You may have heard that TBS is working on a reality television series called Cheeseheads that will follow some of the zaniest Green Bay Packers fans. Will it make people in Northeast Wisconsin look like a bunch of buffoons?
Of course it will. That’s what reality TV is all about. Prepare to be known as the Honey Boo Boos of NFL football fans.
(Update: This reality show never made it out of development and won’t be a reality.)
However, we all know that not everyone who roots for the Packers wears foam cheese on their head and sleeps in their over-sized green and gold footie pajamas.
Here’s a more realistic (yet somehow still hilarious) look at 10 types of Packers fans. I’m willing to bet they’ll sound quite familiar.
1. The Tough Guy
These are the fans who like to call themselves “die-hards.” They prove their love of the Green Bay Packers by self-inflicting pain upon themselves.
Most often, that pain comes from extremely cold temperatures that no human should have to endure. These guys (and girls) don’t just go to a game even if the wind chill is 40-below. They make sure to tailgate all day ahead of time.
By halftime, they are so numb that they start stripping down. According to the Mayo Clinic, this is actually a sign of hypothermia. They will never leave the stadium early to try and beat the traffic. They’ll stay in the bleachers (never the skyboxes) until only other frozen Tough Guys are left standing gripping those little beanbag hand-warmers that ran out of heat hours ago.
But it’s all worth it to prove you are the most dedicated, hard-core Green Bay Packers fan of all-time. I mean…right?
Dead Giveaway: Frostbite scars
2. The Old-Timer
The Packers are one of the oldest teams in football history. So it makes sense that they also have a lot of geezers for fans. (Not you, Grandma)
These are the old folks who constantly remind you that they were actually there at the Ice Bowl.
They proudly proclaim that they were once seduced by Paul Hornung, Vince Lombardi cut them off in traffic, they arm-wrestled Ray Nitschke and perhaps they even watched the Acme Packers play at the old City Stadium.
Sometimes their stories get tiresome, but you have to admire their loyalty. Don’t forget, there were a couple of decades when the Packers were absolutely terrible. Just ask Larry McCarren.
These fans have seen the best of times and the worst of times.
Dead Giveaway: Accidentally calling Brett Favre “Bart.” (I’m looking at you, Grandma)
3. The Oblivious Moron
The moron means well – but truth be told – these fans simply don’t understand the game of football. They just want to get caught up in all the excitement like everyone else.
These fans are the ones who have to ask questions like”Why do they get two points for a safety?” or worse yet “Who has the ball right now?”
If they go to the game, they’re even more confused, because they don’t have Joe Buck and Troy Aikman to help explain things. So their favorite part ends up being the chance to guess the attendance at Lambeau Field.
Another example – when my wife watched a game at Lambeau for the first time, she asked me what happened to the yellow lines that marked the fist down. After I stopped laughing and choking on my bratwurst, I explained a little about the magic of television. To this day – she insists it would be a good idea for the NFL to figure out how to project those yellow lines on the field.
The good news is that the Oblivious Moron can overcome this condition and eventually be cured. It just takes a few years of watching football, and patience from family and friends.
Dead Giveaway: Cheering enthusiastically during an instant replay…that’s in slow motion.
4. The Selfish Fantasy Freak
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the fan who is obsessed with stats and history. Chances are…this number-cruncher has at least four fantasy football teams.
Fantasy football is great. But the one problem is that it makes you focus on players’ performances instead of your favorite team.
These types of fans often deal with an intense internal conflict because of the desire to prove they know everything about the NFL and could actually be the GM of a real team.
The fantasy freak may quietly cheer to himself when Adrian Peterson runs for 80 yards against the Packers. Or he may yell in disgust with the rest of us, before exclaiming “Well, at least he’s on my fantasy team.”
Yeah – he was your first pick too – wasn’t he?
Dead Giveaway: Constantly checks smartphone during the game.
NOTE: A not-so distant ancestor of this fan is the Old-Timer who is in a betting pool and needs a certain score at the end of each quarter to win. They will hope Mason Crosby misses that field goal at the end of the half so they can hit their numbers and earn $10.
5. The Bandwagon Jumper
Any team that has success will also have bandwagon fans. But the Green Bay Packers are unique, because they are one of the few franchises to pick up bandwagon fans even when they’re having a terrible year.
That’s simply because the passion and excitement portrayed by the real fans is so contagious.
Bandwagon jumpers could be people who moved to the area from out of state, or people who married into a family of Packer-Backers. They had no choice but to assimilate when their father-in-law gave them a cheesehead for Christmas.
They’ll often keep their allegiance to their home-state teams in other sports. So you’ll get St. Louis Cardinal/Packers fans or Detroit Redwing/Packers fans.
Dead Giveaway: You catch them wearing apparel from another team, and they give you a lame excuse – like “my dad gave this to me before he died.” Whatever, burn it!
6. The Eternal Pessimist
We all know fans who predict the Packers will be in the Super Bowl every single year. But for every prediction of 14-2 there is a fan of the Green & Gold who is certain they’ll be lucky to go 8-8.
They complain about the team more than they complain about the Wisconsin weather (and we all complain about that a lot).
If there’s a player that’s having a bad year, the Eternal Pessimist shows no mercy. “Bench him! Cut him! Tar and feather him and run him out of town on a rail!” They question every coaching decision, every draft pick, every play.
If the team goes for it on 4th down – they should have punted. If the punter comes out – they would have gone for it.
Don’t be fooled – these fans love the Packers. It’s just a tough love.
Dead Giveaway: A curmudgeonly scowl whenever the Packers are up by fewer than three touchdowns.
7. The Cry Baby
Some fans get just a little bit too emotional when they watch the Packers.
If you’ve ever been brought to tears by a regular season loss, this might be you (playoff loss crying is acceptable).
The Cry Baby fan doesn’t only experience exaggerated emotions when the Packers lose. They feel like the world is going to end whenever Aaron Rodgers gets sacked. They stress out when the team loses yardage on 2nd and 3. But they also celebrate a lot harder than the rest of us.
If you’ve never seen two grown men hugging each other with tears of joy streaming down their faces, you’ve never watched the Packers win on a last-minute drive with a couple of Cry Babies.
Dead Giveaway: Tear-stained Don Majkowski jersey in the back of their closet.
8. The Angry A-hole
This fan seems capable of expressing only one emotion. And that emotion is pissed-the-hell-off!
It works out – because there is always something to be angry about in football. You can be furious at the Packers poor performance, or at the coaching staff. You can be ticked off at the referees, or because you think Chris Collinsworth “hates us for no good reason.”
They are a close cousin to the Eternal Pessimist. However, these guys tend to have high hopes, which get smashed into a million pieces no matter what.
If an Angry A-hole attends the game – he or she is sure to single out a fan of the opposing team and argue with them the entire time.
These types of fans are often smokers who are forced to keep their cigarettes in their pocket for a few hours. That’s when the anger-monsters really start roaring.
Dead Giveaway: Raspy voice and nicotine stained fingers.
9. The Long-Distance Lover
I know a bunch of kids I went to high school with who not only claimed to hate the Packers but everything in what they thought was the crummy little town of Green Bay, Wisconsin.
They move away, and many become rich and successful in big cities on the East and West coast. Maybe they’re even starring on Broadway.
But after awhile – they all get homesick. They start searching for that local Packers Bar (there’s at least one in almost every city).
Absence has made their hearts grow fonder, and suddenly they want nothing more than to be around drunken people chanting “Go Pack, Go!” with thick Wisconsin accents.
We forgive you Long-Distance Lovers. We forgive you.
Dead Giveaway: Posts stuff about the Packers to Facebook that the rest of us knew a week ago. (Greg Jennings said what?!?)
10. The Drunk and Disorderly D-Bag
Finally, there are they guys and gals who always make the cutaways in the ESPN highlight reel. That’s because they make complete idiots out of themselves.
Most often the Triple-D fan is a shirtless male with strong insecurities. For some reason, he’s always the last one in the row to sit down after each play and turns around to see who’s looking at him. The female version enjoys dressing like a floozy – tying her Clay Matthews jersey in a knot to show off her Packers belly-button piercing.
As the game goes on, they get drunker and more belligerent. Their decision-making gets worse and worse. Eventually they get arrested climbing down onto the field, plastic cup full of beer in hand.
Yes, they give Packers fans a bad name – but for some reason we still kind of love them – the same way we love staring at any train wreck.
WARNING – Do not give or sell season tickets to a Drunk & Disorderly D-Bag unless you want to lose them forever and ever and ever.
Dead Giveaway: Reeks of Miller Lite and shame.
What Kind of Packers Fan Are You?
Could you see yourself in any of these characters? How about people you know?
Is there another type of Green Bay Packers fan we failed to mention? Tell us about it in the comments below!
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Check Out WhooNEW Discussing this Story on WFRV’s Local 5 Live!
Fox 6’s Real Milwaukee Talks About the 10 Types of Packers Fans
Images via Flickr
- Featured Image – drsethery
- Tough Guy – eytonz
- Selfish Fantasy Freak – Jeremy Pushkin
- Bandwagon Jumper – acflynn
- Cry Baby – jabberwik
- Drunk & Disorderly – Bjorn Hansen
- Long-Distance Lover – college.library
Pessimistic Fans – UnAthleticMag.com
Angry A-hole via usmessageboard.com