Ah, Halloween. That time of year when we can be anything we want, free from limitations. Living in Wisconsin as we do, that often includes the fine men of the Green and Gold.
Whether it’s dressing up as a player, wearing cheesehead gear, or putting a frozen Lambeau Field on your head, it’s an easy way to show your GB pride. Unfortunately, not all reproductions are seamless, and some costumes are straight up terrifying.
In that spirit, I’ve assembled six Packer-themed costumes you’ll see in your nightmares long after you’ve finished reading. You’re welcome.
1. Bear Man Loves Everything Too Much
At first glance this costume is more bewildering than terrifying. I guess the idea is that a Bears fan had a spontaneous change of heart and donned Packer gear, but I’m more than meeting them halfway there. It looks more like it swallowed a GB fan whole.
Don’t think this costume is terrifying? Imagine running across this monster on State Street worn by a somewhat inebriated, middle-aged man who comes stumbling towards you.
2. Most Reluctant Cheerleader Ever
Okay, this one isn’t scary, but it’s also not what you expect when you search “NFL Cheerleader Outfit.” (Okay, maybe I didn’t read the description that well, moving on!)
As a non-dog owner it’s easy to judge and say that it’s wrong to dress your animals up in costumes, but let’s face it, if I had dogs I would do that every day.
What I will say is that I have never seen any creature, canine or otherwise, look less excited to be a cheerleader. Maybe it’s the breed. Do Yorkies have more team spirit?
3. You Can’t Unsee It
Unlike the other items on this list, these facemaks actually serve a functional purpose. They’re designed to keep the wearer toasty warm in Lambeau Field and, okay, aren’t technically Halloween costumes. What they are, however, is terrifying.
Why in the name of all that is holy do they have to look like Hannibal Lecter bite masks made out of Cheese Nips? Staving off face hypothermia can’t possibly be worth the therapy bills you’ll end up paying for everyone in a three-row radius.
These masks are best enjoyed with fava beans and a nice chianti.
4. Who Put This Child Up To This?
For this next costume we’ve roped a child into dressing up as a cheese . . . everything. We’ve all seen the cheesehead, and even the vaguely unsettling cheese bra, but cheese shoulders are a new concept to me.
To be fair, this might be ridiculously adorable in real life, but this little girl doesn’t look all that excited about it. Like maybe she really wanted to be a ghost or a witch and some overzealous parents dressed everyone in cheese gear this year.
There’s always next year, kid. Hang in there.
5. Aaron Rodgers’ Overly Happy Body Double
Yeah, this doesn’t look like an “Aaron Rodger mask” as much as someone removed the head of everyone’s favorite QB and used it to replace their own, Sleepy Hollow pumpkin style.
Or, (if we’re feeling a little less macabre), maybe they just hired Aaron Rodgers to just go trick or treating in their place. It’s a kind of a reputation investment. He’ll win over everybody’s hearts by with his lovable photobombs, and will put in a good word with any romantic interest you may have. (Rodgers seems like he’d be a solid wingman.)
Seriously though, this picture scares the ever loving pants off me. I know it’s Photoshop, but every time I see it there’s this feeling deep inside that tell me it’s just NOT RIGHT.
Oh well, at least we can’t possibly see anything worse than that.
6. Something Worse Than That
And I’m never sleeping again. Wow. Just wow.
It’s the strings on Donald Driver’s temples that really do get me. Did some perform head surgery on him á la Dr. Frankenstein’s monster? That seems pretty mean, especially since Driver has always been one of the most likable Packers.
You never should have retired buddy.