This thing has just begun, and I’m already surrounded in my east-side home. Brain-hungry creatures everywhere. Green Bay will never be the same. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I survive? Hell, how do I kill these things?
There are so many thoughts running through my mind as I wait for my survival instinct to kick in. Should I update my Facebook status? Grab my iPhone? I’m not sure these things will work for long, and I’m starting to think they were never necessary. If I don’t survive this zombie apocalypse, I’m not sure I want to be remembered for my last status update.
It’s time to get serious. I need to find my wife and get the greyhound to stop barking. The dog never does this, something must be seriously wrong. The TV stations are in black and the radios stations are static. Luckily, the Internet is working. A quick Google search might help me get my bearings. Let’s see here, spoilers for some zombie TV show, George A. Romer… Oh no, I better get out of here. Looks like I have some visitors.
But first I need to pack up some food, water, and a gun. Two out of three, not bad. I guess I’ll have to settle for a baseball bat or shovel instead of a 12 gauge.
It’s been two months, and I’m still learning how to survive. I wish I would’ve taken a lesson from the preppers or Boy Scouts. I hardly had any basic life-saving skills or supplies when the shit hit the fan.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you’ll need the following items in the event of an emergency such as a zombie apocalypse.
- Water (1 gallon per person per day)
- Food (non-perishables)
- Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription medications)
- Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
- Sanitation and Hygiene (bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
- Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
- Important documents (copies of your drivers’ license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
- First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations)
I laugh when I look at this list. Sure, I had food and water and a few adhesive bandages, but that won’t get you too far in a world where nothing is being produced, just consumed.
Four Places You May Find Supplies in Titletown
Being resourceful is one of most important survival skills in this world of the walking dead. It could mean the difference between eating your next meal or your brains being zombie food.
Finding supplies was easy when this thing broke out, but after a while, all the stores got raided and things became harder to come by. Now, it’s all about scavenging and bartering.
If you’re lucky enough to still be roaming around Green Bay, you may want to stop by one of these former retailers to see if you can find an item or two. Good luck — you’ll need it.
1. The Man’s Mall, the Fleet Boutique – If they don’t have it, you don’t need it. That used to be the slogan for the Man’s Mall. But now, you’d be lucky to find a hammer or hatchet. And you definitely won’t find anything Carhartt. Once folks found out zombies couldn’t bite through it, the tough woven workwear became the unofficial armor of the zombie apocalypse.
The only thing the Fleet Boutique still has going for it these dark days is the lingering smell of tires, stale licorice and the hope you may find an item your brain can engineer into something useful.
2. Wally World – I should have realized that the opening of this big box store on Broadway signaled the end of days. For months, hoards of protesters foamed at the mouth while waving signs of opposition. They said it was just another example of a corporation taking a community hostage.
Who could have guessed that by turning a blind eye to the everyday low low prices, we’d become senseless consumers – a step removed from what most of the world is now.
During the Titletown riots, this was one of the first places raided on the city’s west side. Now you’d be lucky to find anything here expect a smiley face sticker.
It’s funny how quickly folks forgot about the mom and pop stores around town when this massive retailer opened. They pretty much remained untouched when the looting started. Now people are starting to remember and even the local hardware store is limited in supplies.
3. Gus’s Guns – Just a word of warning — use extreme caution when approaching Gus’s. Never go at night and make sure you have something worthy of trading. Also, don’t shuffle or groan and make sure you wave a white flag as you near.
You’d have to be dumb not to thinking of hunkering down in one of the most heavily armed places on Green Bay’s east side. I’m mean, look at that pile of walker bodies surrounding the gun store and neighboring Party Line bar. Who can blame anyone in this situation for getting a little liquored up and going chaotic on a staggering pack of brain eaters.
But seriously, Gus’s has been a life saver. For a shopping cart of groceries, you can get just about anything and test it out on a zombie melon or two.
4. Neighborhood Liquor Store – There are two places people are finding solace now — the Bible and the bottle. The liquor stores that haven’t run dry have their own congregation these days.
If you’ve given up all hope for humanity, this is the one place you’ll find everything you’ll need to pickle your brain. This could also be the reason why the zombies in Wisconsin are so low functioning compared to everywhere else in the stars and stripes. It’s easy pickin’ in the Badger State.
Tips for Killing a Wisconsin Zombie
During the outbreak, I’ve developed a bunch of what I call “short-term relationships.” These are people that come and go either by their own freewill or become zombie snacks.
The one thing they all have in common is a story of survival and their own tips for killing brain munchers.
During the winter months, which feel even longer now, a Wisco zombie is stiff and slow from the cold. With a good percentage having an unhealthy BMI, that makes for easy trapping. . .yes, I said trapping.
If you can trap a zombie, either smash or poke its brain until it drops to the pavement.
I’ve had great success trapping zombies by placing an item they had a connection to while they were alive next to a snare or hovering above a pit. I find that for 8 out of 10 Sconnie zombies any brand of light beer works well. Bottles or cans, they don’t seem to be too picky. To be safe I like to put out a variety of Wisconsin-made craft brews. Not only is this one of the few ways to keep your beer cold these days, the snobbish ones almost always seem to fall for the bait.
While most Wisconsin zombies are slow on the move, I’ve heard from more than one person they’ll pick up the pace for anyone wearing Lions, Vikings, or Bears apparel. So watch what you wear if you want to keep your limbs secure.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, the brain is your main target. Firearms are just the ticket, but be careful about the noise. It may attract unwelcome company.
If you get overrun, head for the highest spot you can find, like the Zippin Pippin. Zombies not only lack the upper body strength to climb.
The monsters also have a very short-term memory and will likely forget about you after about two minutes on a NFL game clock. In Wisconsin math, that’s 18 plays + 3 penalties + an injury timeout + a commercial break. That is roughly equal to 10 minutes or two beers and a brat.
Why Lambeau Field is the Ideal Place to Seek Shelter
Speaking of football, there’s no better place to survive the zombie apocalypse in Titletown than Lambeau Field. It’s hallowed ground. A fortress against the undead.
These days, the Frozen Tundra has its own army standing guard. Snipers above the luxury boxes, guards at each of the gates, and platoons of the green and gold faithful ready to roll out.
With room for 80,000 plus, Lambeau has all of the accommodations for day-to-day survival. And with the 50-yard line being a drop zone for supplies, you’ll never go hungry.
Other Places to Consider
1. Lorelei Inn – This may sound a little Shawn of the Dead-ish, but your neighborhood watering hole is a great safeguard against biters. Not only is a small tavern easy to fortify, it may also have food and drink for short-term survival. And if you choose to squat at the Lorelei, you’ll finding a perfectly poured Guinness.
2. Green Bay Correctional Institution – While this may sound like another pop culture survival strategy, a prison is secure and easy to defend. With living space, showers, a kitchen, and a courtyard, Green Bay Correctional has everything you need to reform your life.
3. UWGB – UWGB isn’t only a place for higher learning, it’s a safe haven against zombies. Cofrin Library and the Weidner Center are my picks for the best places to survive on campus.
4. The NEW Zoo – While the animals require a ton of care, the dedicated zoo staff have hung around to ensure the lions, bears, and giraffes are well-cared for. Not only does the animal scent serve as a decoy for the flesh-eaters, the cages and habitats work as traps for the occasional zombie straggler.
5. Austin Straubel International Airport – If you’re looking for an out from Green Bay, you may be able to catch a flight at Austin Straubel. From time to time, a plane will land looking for fuel. But be careful, the loud noises have attracted packs of the living dead. So bring your running shoes — you’ll have to book it to catch your flight.
As I mark off another day in this world of the walking dead, I hope this advice will find someone who can use it. It’s fight or flight. And it looks like I’ll have to do both — the grunting and groaning are my signal to leave. Thankfully Gus’s hooked me up with some ammo for my 12 gauge.
What would you do to try and survive the zombie apocalypse in Titletown? Let us know in the comments!